Welcome to the Monkey House
Mean, June 2005
THREATS, IMTIMIDATION, EXORCISM - and that was just in the cab ride to the interview. Mean sent a veteran rock journalist into the virtual underworld of Gorillaz to debrief Murdoc, 2D, Noodle and Russel in their haunted London studio/house of horrors, on the subject of their new album and their singularly twisted backstory. This was what we found on the tape when it appeared in the mail in an envelope with no return address.
I’m vexed - I’m very vexed by all of this. I may as well tell you all that I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my travails as a rock critic, but never before have I had to kick a Zombie in the balls in a corridor on the way to an interview. Murd - can I call you Murd? - what gives?
Murdoc: You’re just a tourist, mate. For me, this is 24 hours a day. You should try living here. I tell you, if you’re extra good I’ll take you downstairs later and show you the Kong Studios’ very own gateway to hell. That’ll freak you out.
All right, ladies and gentlemen – so who’s the real brains of this outfit?
Murdoc: Me.
Russel: Noodle
2D: Er... it’s not me.
Noodle: None of them. If you’re looking for brains, I’m not sure that you’re looking in the right place.
Murdoc, you’re obviously a hell-spawn genius, but do you really know what you’ve gotten yourself into?
Murdoc: What are you on about ‘Got myself into’? I put this whole thing together. [Adopts a Scarface accent] “Who put this thing together? Me! That’s who.”
How’s the Raven fitting into the scene? And what really happened in the Chicken-Choker?
Murdoc: Yeah, man! The legend behind that Raven is wicked, man! “Born within the folds of the Grim Reaper’s cloak.” Real creepy! If you’re gonna have a pet crow, that’s the one you want.
2D: Why does he get up so early? The squawk is driving me insane!
Murdoc: I tell you, that crow was the only real friend I had on the inside. Would bring me berries everyday.
Russel: Murdoc was caught red-handed in a Mexican brothel called The Chicken Choker, trying to pay the girls off with bad checks. That’s when he went to jail.
Murdoc: Hey, it ain’t my fault that the funds had dried up.
2D: Yeah, well, you did try to pay her with money that had your face printed on it.
Murdoc: [Smiles] That’s legal tender where I come from, son. Anyway, so I’m just zipping myself up, and next thing I know is like 30 cops burst out of everywhere. The place just erupts. [In a Mexican accent] “Okay, amigo. Put the weapon down.” I’m like, “What the fuck is this? An episode of Z-Cars?” They slapped the cuffs on and hauled me off in one of their clapped-out clown cars that they call police vehicles and slung me in jail. I thought it was a joke. But the punch line never came. But, y’know, I hate those, “I did time and now I realize the error of my ways” – type confessionals. Balderdash. I tell you, soon as I came out I went straight back to the exact same brothel and did the whole thing all over again. This time when the cops burst out of the cupboards all they found was a box of Milk Tray and a card saying, “Adios, mis amigos” which is Mexican for “See you later, ssssuckers!” I grabbed my crap and then jumped straight onto a plane back to England. Reformed character? Piss off.
Russ, what happened to the Seventh Heaven project? Is it indefinitely shelved?
Murdoc: Uh-oh. Here we go…
Russel: The Seventh Heaven Hip-Hop & Harmony album was something I started working on when I was living in Ike Turner’s basement. Ike found me slumped on the sidewalk in Los Angeles. I’d passed out after the trauma of having Del exorcised from me by the Grim Reaper. He’d come to finally collect Del’s soul and return him to the other side.
So Ike picked me up and dusted me off, and he took me back to his place. He fed me, stuck some new clothes on my back and let me just rest. The days turned into weeks, and gradually I felt the desire to make some music again. Ike gave me some instruments and an old eight-track machine, and we just started working on some tracks together. I became filled with the vision of making a new record to match Pet Sounds. To match the truly inspired heights of the classics. Like a hip-hop Sgt. Pepper’s. But it was a balancing act trying to work and keep my psychosis at bay. I lost count of the amount of times I saw little blowing trumpets and bashing cymbals together. I miked one of them up once. Sounded incredible. I’ve got the tape here somewhere.
[Murdoc shakes his head.]
But again the darkness crept into me. And I thought that the songs were taking on a life of their own. They started to sound... evil. I could see ectoplasm leaking out of the speakers. They were laughing at me. I thought that everything that was going wrong in the world was down to this music I was making. Maybe the bass was too heavy, maybe the beat was too strong. So I had to pull the thing down. Shelve it, hide it from the world. I even tried to smother the master tapes with a pillow once. I could still hear it though, pounding away. So that’s when I came back to England, to Kong Studios, to rest again. Just get away from... everything.
Murdoc: The more I hear about this record the more I like the sound of it.
Russel: I never want to hear those tapes again. They’re evil.
The new album - 2D, can I assume no bloodletting was involved in the recording process?
2D: Yeah, there was no real fighting during the making of the album. Unless someone chloroformed me and then beat the crap out of me. Having said that, I did wake up with a headache and a nine-inch scar across my abdomen.
Murdoc: If you want your liver back, keep your eye on eBay.
Then how did you lose those front teeth? A little set-to with Murdoc, mate?
2D: Erm. Can’t remember. Probably someone kicked them in at some point. I don’t think it was Murdoc, ‘cause he was the one who damaged my eyes.
Murdoc: Yeah, but you know it all goes to make up that classic ‘Gorillaz frontman’ image.
2D: I’m not paying you anymore. That’s over.
2D, describe your songwriting process.
2D: Er... I get a rhythm by clapping my hands. I then get my Dictaphone. Then I sing a catchy melody over it, and er… call it a chorus. Then I sing a less catchy melody over it and call it a verse. Sometimes I sing something totally forgettable and call it a middle eight. Then I look at the newspapers and see what’s current and new...mobile phones...er...election...monkey smokes fag...And I nick a subject for the lyrics. Then, when I’ve made some words fit with the melody, I put bloopy noises over the top. Then if I’m dancing around to it, I know it’s finished.
Murdoc: You are so remedial. You should hook up with the Langley Schools Project.
Which L’Oreal blue tint is that? And are you really worth it?
2D: Six million fans on the first album can’t be wrong.
Murdoc: That’s actually quite sharp for you, D.
Murdoc, what’s with the Clint Eastwood fixation?
2D: It’s an in-joke that keeps getting out.
Russel: Like Clint Eastwood in Escape From Alcatraz.
You’ve got four very volatile egos in the room - five, if Del shows up. How do you manage them, Murd?
Noodle: Murdoc’s the only one who’s ever been a problem.
Murdoc: OHHHHHH FFFUCCK OFFFF!!!!!!! [Murdoc goes ballistic.] I’ve had enough of this shit. Why don’t you shut your face, you little squirt.
I think it was Keith Richards who once said, “If Mick Jagger tours with anyone else, I'll slit his throat.” Murdoc, what’s your attitude toward solo projects?
Murdoc: Go and try your hand. I’d like to see them try. Seriously, if you can pull it off, I’d like to see it. Russel had a go and look what happened. His album almost ate him alive. Crawled out the speakers, licked his face and sent him crazy.
Incidentally, would Keith qualify as “undead”?
Murdoc: Oh yeah, man. Keith’s a trooper. But he’s still a pussy when it comes to sleep deprivation. Nine days? I could do that with my eyes closed.
Russel: Er...that’s not the point. You gotta keep your eyes open, don’t you?
How do you split up royalties?
Murdoc: With an ax.
Russ, have you considered trying to channel Tupac?
Noodle: Er...I don’t think you understand how traumatized Russel has been by being possessed and then exorcised by the spirited of his dead friend. I don’t think it’s appropriated to be making these types of flippant jokes.
Murdoc: He spends a lot of time channeling Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald though, don’t you Russ, you tubby wanker.
I’m sure you’re all familiar with Ozzy Osbourne’s famous breakfast scene in The Decline of Western Civilization. Who does the cooking ‘round here?
Murdoc: Yeah. I have seen that. You can tell that all of Ozzy’s eggs are gonna end up scrambled as soon as you look at him.
Russel: Breakfast at Tiffany’s it ain’t.
Has there been any...how do I put this...intra-band “fraternization,” if you catch my drift?
2D: What!?! That has gotta be the weirdest question we’ve had since we started doing interviews. Ever. Could you imagine. Russel kissing Murdoc. Ha ha ha.
Murdoc: Watch yourself, pretty boy.
[2D continues laughing until Murdoc whacks him firmly on the side of the head.]
Okay, let’s cut to the chase. Zombies - a great, great ‘60s band, but not a good look for the future government of a hell-run planet. Exactly how, Noodle, do you plan to defeat them with these three freaks in tow?
Noodle: Only one way to kill a zombie. Shoot them in the head. Regarding the imminent danger that we have faced from the zombies in the studio, I would say your question is insightful. There is a very grave problem that can only be solved with due care and consideration. I have no doubt, however, that at the appropriate time, each of my fellow Gorillaz will play the necessary role that is required of them in order to defeat the enemy.
How did you even manage to record an album with all this going on? I mean, how did the Chinese-food delivery guy get in?
Murdoc: This tiny little fella had to drive his scooter all the way up the Kong Studios hill in order to deliver. Took him hours in the wet and rain. Food was cold, so I just slammed the door in his stupid face. “You come back when food is hot.”
2D: But to be honest. I think the dark grim atmosphere of the studio and its zombie infestation added to the quality of the album. In fact, some of the tracks got infested.
Noodle: Some of the spooky sounds on this one track, “O Green World,” were caught on tape by accident. It is believed that they are the mysterious recordings of paranormal experiences going on at Kong Studios. If you listen really carefully, you can hear a growling and whispering in the background. For this reason, this track was almost left off the album, but it was decided it should remain, as the track came out so well.
Murdoc: And it’s not like Gorillaz aren’t used to dealing with runaway spirits.
Of the many strains in your music - hip-hop, punk, dub and the many styles in between - which would you say is most effective in dealing with the underworld?
Murdoc: Tricky question. I’d have to say Norwegian black metal.
On a political level, don’t you guys realize what happens to pop stars who try to save the world? Look at what happened to Manson.
Russel: All we do is try and give back a little to the musical community that gave us all so much.
Murdoc: Who’s trying to save the world? Not me, mate. I’m in this for myself and no one else. Or are you talking about Charlie Manson?
Yes, I do mean Charlie Manson.
Murdoc: He gets his parole soon, doesn’t he? I’d watch what you say before you get a couple of X’s on your forehead.
Has anybody sought out Bono’s counsel during any of this? I mean, he deals with the forces of evil every day. And that’s just with Larry.
Murdoc: The only thing I know about Bono is that he has tiny little feet. He has to keep sticking them into the camera to make them look bigger. Freak.
Noodle, what qualities are you looking for in this “creative army”? Are The Archies eligible? Is Billy Idol?
Noodle: Talent, soul and insight. As soon as you realize that real talent is the ability to communicate fresh, vibrant and original ideas, rather than the ability to imitate other people’s templates, then you will understand what I’m looking for. Technical proficiency is a very second best to unskilled originality.
Murdoc: For those reasons Billy Idol is most definitely in our gang.
Noodle, do you have any plans to reveal your...private side to the other members?
Noodle: If you ask one more question like that I’m going to call the police.
Russel: What kind of question is that?
Have you considered therapy? That’s addressed to each and all of you, by the way.
Russel: I’ve already had a considerable amount of therapy. But I’m s...still seeing the figures.
Murdoc: Due to the fact that he’s mental. Whereas I don’t need therapy. I’m the epitome of mentally fit.
Noodle: Everyone in the world can use a little tune-up every now and again. I would find it fun. Especially now that I have my memory back.
Is the Scooby-Doo Gang somehow involved in this? What about the original Monkees?
Murdoc: What are you on about?
Not to offend anyone, but Murdoc - do you even own a toothbrush?
Murdoc: Yeah, mate, but you can stick it right up your arse. And I’m not having back either.
Mayhem, soul-murder, sleaze - and that was just rehearsals. Murdoc, will you tour? And can you get Ringo Starr or some other zombie to open the shows?
Murdoc: Touring can be great fun, but if you don’t watch yourself, it can kind of take you over. You become one of these bands that live like...drunken pirates, permanently sailing the oceans of the world, playing... drinking... playing… pillaging... drinking... playing... pillaging. Actually, that sounds great. Where do I sign up?
Let’s get real here. Isn’t this just some big scam? There is no fucking global crisis, is there? This is just a play for world domination, isn’t it?
Murdoc: No. I only formed a band in order to help everyone else out. What d’you think? Noodle seems to...see something that we don’t. Normally I’d be pretty flippant about it, but in this case Noodle is so passionate about this situation, the illness and the disease, that she’s made an album and launched this odd talent thing, “Search for a Star.” She’s obviously very serious. Buggered if I know what it is, but I’d take her seriously if I were you.
Listen, I’m not walking out of here on my own. That zombie’s probably pulled himself out of the fetal position by now. Can Noodle escort me to the edge of the property? And can you call your driver ‘round? I need to get back to my hotel for a happy-hour Q&A with Damon Albarn.
Murdoc: Is that it? Thank God for that. I tell you what, mate, if you want to leave here fast, I can give you a good pushy-face. That’s where I get my hand, see, and sort of put it over your face, and then just kinda...push you away.
[There follows the sound of a scuffle, then a bloodcurdling scream and a burst of high-pitched feedback and static. Someone breathes heavily into the tape recorder. Off-mic, a distant, distorted voice says, “Take him into the basement.” The tape goes dead.]
I’m vexed - I’m very vexed by all of this. I may as well tell you all that I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my travails as a rock critic, but never before have I had to kick a Zombie in the balls in a corridor on the way to an interview. Murd - can I call you Murd? - what gives?
Murdoc: You’re just a tourist, mate. For me, this is 24 hours a day. You should try living here. I tell you, if you’re extra good I’ll take you downstairs later and show you the Kong Studios’ very own gateway to hell. That’ll freak you out.
All right, ladies and gentlemen – so who’s the real brains of this outfit?
Murdoc: Me.
Russel: Noodle
2D: Er... it’s not me.
Noodle: None of them. If you’re looking for brains, I’m not sure that you’re looking in the right place.
Murdoc, you’re obviously a hell-spawn genius, but do you really know what you’ve gotten yourself into?
Murdoc: What are you on about ‘Got myself into’? I put this whole thing together. [Adopts a Scarface accent] “Who put this thing together? Me! That’s who.”
How’s the Raven fitting into the scene? And what really happened in the Chicken-Choker?
Murdoc: Yeah, man! The legend behind that Raven is wicked, man! “Born within the folds of the Grim Reaper’s cloak.” Real creepy! If you’re gonna have a pet crow, that’s the one you want.
2D: Why does he get up so early? The squawk is driving me insane!
Murdoc: I tell you, that crow was the only real friend I had on the inside. Would bring me berries everyday.
Russel: Murdoc was caught red-handed in a Mexican brothel called The Chicken Choker, trying to pay the girls off with bad checks. That’s when he went to jail.
Murdoc: Hey, it ain’t my fault that the funds had dried up.
2D: Yeah, well, you did try to pay her with money that had your face printed on it.
Murdoc: [Smiles] That’s legal tender where I come from, son. Anyway, so I’m just zipping myself up, and next thing I know is like 30 cops burst out of everywhere. The place just erupts. [In a Mexican accent] “Okay, amigo. Put the weapon down.” I’m like, “What the fuck is this? An episode of Z-Cars?” They slapped the cuffs on and hauled me off in one of their clapped-out clown cars that they call police vehicles and slung me in jail. I thought it was a joke. But the punch line never came. But, y’know, I hate those, “I did time and now I realize the error of my ways” – type confessionals. Balderdash. I tell you, soon as I came out I went straight back to the exact same brothel and did the whole thing all over again. This time when the cops burst out of the cupboards all they found was a box of Milk Tray and a card saying, “Adios, mis amigos” which is Mexican for “See you later, ssssuckers!” I grabbed my crap and then jumped straight onto a plane back to England. Reformed character? Piss off.
Russ, what happened to the Seventh Heaven project? Is it indefinitely shelved?
Murdoc: Uh-oh. Here we go…
Russel: The Seventh Heaven Hip-Hop & Harmony album was something I started working on when I was living in Ike Turner’s basement. Ike found me slumped on the sidewalk in Los Angeles. I’d passed out after the trauma of having Del exorcised from me by the Grim Reaper. He’d come to finally collect Del’s soul and return him to the other side.
So Ike picked me up and dusted me off, and he took me back to his place. He fed me, stuck some new clothes on my back and let me just rest. The days turned into weeks, and gradually I felt the desire to make some music again. Ike gave me some instruments and an old eight-track machine, and we just started working on some tracks together. I became filled with the vision of making a new record to match Pet Sounds. To match the truly inspired heights of the classics. Like a hip-hop Sgt. Pepper’s. But it was a balancing act trying to work and keep my psychosis at bay. I lost count of the amount of times I saw little blowing trumpets and bashing cymbals together. I miked one of them up once. Sounded incredible. I’ve got the tape here somewhere.
[Murdoc shakes his head.]
But again the darkness crept into me. And I thought that the songs were taking on a life of their own. They started to sound... evil. I could see ectoplasm leaking out of the speakers. They were laughing at me. I thought that everything that was going wrong in the world was down to this music I was making. Maybe the bass was too heavy, maybe the beat was too strong. So I had to pull the thing down. Shelve it, hide it from the world. I even tried to smother the master tapes with a pillow once. I could still hear it though, pounding away. So that’s when I came back to England, to Kong Studios, to rest again. Just get away from... everything.
Murdoc: The more I hear about this record the more I like the sound of it.
Russel: I never want to hear those tapes again. They’re evil.
The new album - 2D, can I assume no bloodletting was involved in the recording process?
2D: Yeah, there was no real fighting during the making of the album. Unless someone chloroformed me and then beat the crap out of me. Having said that, I did wake up with a headache and a nine-inch scar across my abdomen.
Murdoc: If you want your liver back, keep your eye on eBay.
Then how did you lose those front teeth? A little set-to with Murdoc, mate?
2D: Erm. Can’t remember. Probably someone kicked them in at some point. I don’t think it was Murdoc, ‘cause he was the one who damaged my eyes.
Murdoc: Yeah, but you know it all goes to make up that classic ‘Gorillaz frontman’ image.
2D: I’m not paying you anymore. That’s over.
2D, describe your songwriting process.
2D: Er... I get a rhythm by clapping my hands. I then get my Dictaphone. Then I sing a catchy melody over it, and er… call it a chorus. Then I sing a less catchy melody over it and call it a verse. Sometimes I sing something totally forgettable and call it a middle eight. Then I look at the newspapers and see what’s current and new...mobile phones...er...election...monkey smokes fag...And I nick a subject for the lyrics. Then, when I’ve made some words fit with the melody, I put bloopy noises over the top. Then if I’m dancing around to it, I know it’s finished.
Murdoc: You are so remedial. You should hook up with the Langley Schools Project.
Which L’Oreal blue tint is that? And are you really worth it?
2D: Six million fans on the first album can’t be wrong.
Murdoc: That’s actually quite sharp for you, D.
Murdoc, what’s with the Clint Eastwood fixation?
2D: It’s an in-joke that keeps getting out.
Russel: Like Clint Eastwood in Escape From Alcatraz.
You’ve got four very volatile egos in the room - five, if Del shows up. How do you manage them, Murd?
Noodle: Murdoc’s the only one who’s ever been a problem.
Murdoc: OHHHHHH FFFUCCK OFFFF!!!!!!! [Murdoc goes ballistic.] I’ve had enough of this shit. Why don’t you shut your face, you little squirt.
I think it was Keith Richards who once said, “If Mick Jagger tours with anyone else, I'll slit his throat.” Murdoc, what’s your attitude toward solo projects?
Murdoc: Go and try your hand. I’d like to see them try. Seriously, if you can pull it off, I’d like to see it. Russel had a go and look what happened. His album almost ate him alive. Crawled out the speakers, licked his face and sent him crazy.
Incidentally, would Keith qualify as “undead”?
Murdoc: Oh yeah, man. Keith’s a trooper. But he’s still a pussy when it comes to sleep deprivation. Nine days? I could do that with my eyes closed.
Russel: Er...that’s not the point. You gotta keep your eyes open, don’t you?
How do you split up royalties?
Murdoc: With an ax.
Russ, have you considered trying to channel Tupac?
Noodle: Er...I don’t think you understand how traumatized Russel has been by being possessed and then exorcised by the spirited of his dead friend. I don’t think it’s appropriated to be making these types of flippant jokes.
Murdoc: He spends a lot of time channeling Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald though, don’t you Russ, you tubby wanker.
I’m sure you’re all familiar with Ozzy Osbourne’s famous breakfast scene in The Decline of Western Civilization. Who does the cooking ‘round here?
Murdoc: Yeah. I have seen that. You can tell that all of Ozzy’s eggs are gonna end up scrambled as soon as you look at him.
Russel: Breakfast at Tiffany’s it ain’t.
Has there been any...how do I put this...intra-band “fraternization,” if you catch my drift?
2D: What!?! That has gotta be the weirdest question we’ve had since we started doing interviews. Ever. Could you imagine. Russel kissing Murdoc. Ha ha ha.
Murdoc: Watch yourself, pretty boy.
[2D continues laughing until Murdoc whacks him firmly on the side of the head.]
Okay, let’s cut to the chase. Zombies - a great, great ‘60s band, but not a good look for the future government of a hell-run planet. Exactly how, Noodle, do you plan to defeat them with these three freaks in tow?
Noodle: Only one way to kill a zombie. Shoot them in the head. Regarding the imminent danger that we have faced from the zombies in the studio, I would say your question is insightful. There is a very grave problem that can only be solved with due care and consideration. I have no doubt, however, that at the appropriate time, each of my fellow Gorillaz will play the necessary role that is required of them in order to defeat the enemy.
How did you even manage to record an album with all this going on? I mean, how did the Chinese-food delivery guy get in?
Murdoc: This tiny little fella had to drive his scooter all the way up the Kong Studios hill in order to deliver. Took him hours in the wet and rain. Food was cold, so I just slammed the door in his stupid face. “You come back when food is hot.”
2D: But to be honest. I think the dark grim atmosphere of the studio and its zombie infestation added to the quality of the album. In fact, some of the tracks got infested.
Noodle: Some of the spooky sounds on this one track, “O Green World,” were caught on tape by accident. It is believed that they are the mysterious recordings of paranormal experiences going on at Kong Studios. If you listen really carefully, you can hear a growling and whispering in the background. For this reason, this track was almost left off the album, but it was decided it should remain, as the track came out so well.
Murdoc: And it’s not like Gorillaz aren’t used to dealing with runaway spirits.
Of the many strains in your music - hip-hop, punk, dub and the many styles in between - which would you say is most effective in dealing with the underworld?
Murdoc: Tricky question. I’d have to say Norwegian black metal.
On a political level, don’t you guys realize what happens to pop stars who try to save the world? Look at what happened to Manson.
Russel: All we do is try and give back a little to the musical community that gave us all so much.
Murdoc: Who’s trying to save the world? Not me, mate. I’m in this for myself and no one else. Or are you talking about Charlie Manson?
Yes, I do mean Charlie Manson.
Murdoc: He gets his parole soon, doesn’t he? I’d watch what you say before you get a couple of X’s on your forehead.
Has anybody sought out Bono’s counsel during any of this? I mean, he deals with the forces of evil every day. And that’s just with Larry.
Murdoc: The only thing I know about Bono is that he has tiny little feet. He has to keep sticking them into the camera to make them look bigger. Freak.
Noodle, what qualities are you looking for in this “creative army”? Are The Archies eligible? Is Billy Idol?
Noodle: Talent, soul and insight. As soon as you realize that real talent is the ability to communicate fresh, vibrant and original ideas, rather than the ability to imitate other people’s templates, then you will understand what I’m looking for. Technical proficiency is a very second best to unskilled originality.
Murdoc: For those reasons Billy Idol is most definitely in our gang.
Noodle, do you have any plans to reveal your...private side to the other members?
Noodle: If you ask one more question like that I’m going to call the police.
Russel: What kind of question is that?
Have you considered therapy? That’s addressed to each and all of you, by the way.
Russel: I’ve already had a considerable amount of therapy. But I’m s...still seeing the figures.
Murdoc: Due to the fact that he’s mental. Whereas I don’t need therapy. I’m the epitome of mentally fit.
Noodle: Everyone in the world can use a little tune-up every now and again. I would find it fun. Especially now that I have my memory back.
Is the Scooby-Doo Gang somehow involved in this? What about the original Monkees?
Murdoc: What are you on about?
Not to offend anyone, but Murdoc - do you even own a toothbrush?
Murdoc: Yeah, mate, but you can stick it right up your arse. And I’m not having back either.
Mayhem, soul-murder, sleaze - and that was just rehearsals. Murdoc, will you tour? And can you get Ringo Starr or some other zombie to open the shows?
Murdoc: Touring can be great fun, but if you don’t watch yourself, it can kind of take you over. You become one of these bands that live like...drunken pirates, permanently sailing the oceans of the world, playing... drinking... playing… pillaging... drinking... playing... pillaging. Actually, that sounds great. Where do I sign up?
Let’s get real here. Isn’t this just some big scam? There is no fucking global crisis, is there? This is just a play for world domination, isn’t it?
Murdoc: No. I only formed a band in order to help everyone else out. What d’you think? Noodle seems to...see something that we don’t. Normally I’d be pretty flippant about it, but in this case Noodle is so passionate about this situation, the illness and the disease, that she’s made an album and launched this odd talent thing, “Search for a Star.” She’s obviously very serious. Buggered if I know what it is, but I’d take her seriously if I were you.
Listen, I’m not walking out of here on my own. That zombie’s probably pulled himself out of the fetal position by now. Can Noodle escort me to the edge of the property? And can you call your driver ‘round? I need to get back to my hotel for a happy-hour Q&A with Damon Albarn.
Murdoc: Is that it? Thank God for that. I tell you what, mate, if you want to leave here fast, I can give you a good pushy-face. That’s where I get my hand, see, and sort of put it over your face, and then just kinda...push you away.
[There follows the sound of a scuffle, then a bloodcurdling scream and a burst of high-pitched feedback and static. Someone breathes heavily into the tape recorder. Off-mic, a distant, distorted voice says, “Take him into the basement.” The tape goes dead.]