Gorillaz' Top Ten Tips For The Summer
NME, June 2001
1. The insiders tip
Looking to have a flutter on a guarantied, sure fire musician fatality this summer? Well here’s our tip for an odds on favourite. Marco Pirioni is literally going to "blow up this year" and that’s not some Hip-Hop euphemism about an eighties revival inspired chart come back either. We predict that Adam Ants stately, Brandoesque, dandy pirate clad, guitar guru will be adding his name to the long list of exploding obese rock luminaries this year. He’ll be finding himself in the company of many of rocks all time great Chubby Checkers. John Bonham, for instance, who ruptured with such force that he redecorated the entire interior of his local pub. Or take Jim Morisson’s own bath tub, gut fest’, detonation which is solely responsible for the all pervading Parisian sewage "stink arse" problem that still exists in the French capitol to this day. Then of course there was the Big Bopper, The Bear, Meat Loaf, Buster Blood Vessel, Elvis, Dane Bowers, Biggy Smalls, Huey "The Fat Lovin’ Criminal" Morgan and Christopher Biggins who all paid rocks ultimate excessive price to the pied up piper. So get down the bookies and stick a fiver on this one and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.
2. Hip Hop calibrations goes weird.
As Goldie takes his place amongst the cast of East Enders we will see more and more mic controllers displaying their gallant talents on the small screen. Children’s TV will be a wash with original gangsters starting with Big Pun presenting "You’re a God-Damn Cracker, Jack." Lil’ Kim will be replacing Konnie Huq on Blue Peter and promises to show us all what to do with sticky back plastic and a roll of card board tubing. Autumn will see Emmerdale announcing that Pato Banton will be taking over as landlord of the Wool Pack but it is unconfirmed whether Hype Williams will be taking up the offer to direct the show. This will all culminate with the return of East Enders old favourite Tony Carpenter with the opening line "If I knew it was going to be one of those parties I’d have stuck my dick in the potato salad, man." Whether this will lead to Sophie "The Spiller" Ellis Bexter taking up her mothers former mantle and showing us all what she can do with ping pong balls, we can only wait and see.
3. Reality TV on a HIP Hop tip
Taking a top tip from the same Hip-Hop gash, as it were, is the next logical step for television as reality TV sho’ nuff keeps it real. This summers next big, can’t miss TV sensation will feature gang bangers placed in Staten Island with the area then surrounded by the National Guard. Destiny’s Child will supply the theme tune with a pumped up cut of Survivors "Eye of the Tiger" as the East and West sides go mano a mano and toe to toe on prime time. The show will feature such gruelling tasks as; Ride the Pu-Nani, Beat da phuck down and Big dawgs do big things. With the bonus points to be had in the "Cash, money or hoes" round. First to be voted off the island will end up in the gravel pit, with jailer Ol’ Dirty Bastard. The show will be compared by Mum’s and Dad’s favourite Jay-Z. In the promotional reel we were shown he explained the rules while flagrantly promoting Memphis Bleeks album "The Understanding" saying "You think niggas was shooting ya fat ass out of cannons before? I’m that nigga. Niggas is pompous, first thinking they Evel Knievel jumpers." Fans, we’re assured, can expect nothing but that gangster shit. It’s a mother fucking Knockout.
4. Murdoc’s word to the wise.
Listen, no one looks up to a man whose down. I know it’s cool to be depressed and all that but please don’t share it with the rest of the class. Bottle it up. There’s no point walking around with a face like a smacked arse. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you’re on your own, you miserable little bugger. Some people look at the glass and see it’s half-empty. Some see it half full. Me… it’s not even my glass, I don’t think but fill it up anyway. So even if you’re a sensitive little tosser, make out you’re happy cos no one gives a shit. I mean we just seem to have a glut of these moody and aloof singers who think it’s deep to be shit at dancing. I think we should get Thom and Tim Booth into a room and see who can twitch like the bigger moron and lets all have a damn good laugh.
5. Comedians aren’t funny.
Murdoc
If you see two men carrying a plank and one of them’s Bernard Breslaw, then steer clear. Don’t get involved. I guarantee it’s a waste of time.
2D
Yeah and if Winsor Davies comes up to you in the street and starts shouting at you, you don’t have to do anything he say’s ‘cos he’s not actually a real Sgt. Major
Murdoc
Stupid boy. American comedians, now you’re talking. Steve Guttenberg makes Don Simpson look like Andy Peters.
Russel
Likewise, if you see Barrymore… just run man, get the hell out of there. "People do the funniest things" damn "My kind of people," yeah, I don’t think so brother.
6. Cooking tips
Murdoc
Firstly, I just want to say, never get your cock out anywhere near the stove. I think the next celebrity chef will be incapable of anything except remembering recipes. The future of cooking depends on finding somebody with a tongue too big for their mouth but cheeky with it, somebody who relies on ethnic stereo types, uttering the lowest common denominator in some thick, unintelligible dialect…. Pukka.
2D
What d’you think Beanie Man’s cooking? I mean, first of all he’s called "Beanie man" next he add’s "Dem girls, Dem sugar" and then he says we have to "Zim simmer" What’s that all going to taste like?
Murdoc
Girl soup? I hope it ain’t that Geri Halliwell ‘cos she’s foul. As for cooking, I’m more of a cocktail man myself.
Recipe for a Zombie:
Cracked Ice
1 msr dark rum,
1 msr Jamaican rum,
1 msr light rum
1 msr lemon or lime juice
4 dashes passion fruit or orange juice
4 dashes of apricot brandy
4 dashes of cherry brandy
Load of fruit.
Half fill bucket/glass with cracked ice. Fill rest of bucket/glass with booze and blend. Serve with "loads of fruit."
This leads us to our next tip
7. Hangover tips.
If you wake up and feel like someone’s been sick in your ear, here are some handy cures.
Murdoc
The one I usually swear by is an old Voodoo remedy. The Haitians recommend sticking 13 pins into the cork of the offending bottle. Difficult with twist tops or alcopops but, you know, I wouldn’t know, hangovers only really come on when you stop and I recommend not stopping. Best remedy.
2D
The old cowboy cure was a stiff cup of rabbit-pooh tea, but my breath usually smells too good to risk that.
8. Fashion Tips.
Murdoc
The most popular look around town will be huge fat blokes dressed up like their like thirteen year old illegitimate sons, with big red faces, sporting cut off cargo pants with lobster red knees, huffing and puffing, having to stop every five minutes to catch their breaths and mop their brow…people clutching their chests a lot…bunch of media, flip flop, coke, shouting, shag wits. Place to be seen "The Soho Place" short film and promo commercial summer gala. Most fashionable way to die, choking to death on your own canapé vomit, or somebody else’s.
2D
No, I reckon it’s gonna be big curly perms for men, wearing life jackets and roller-skates, trousers with the arse cut out and balls to the side…just like what Steve Craddock wears only bigger, ‘coz he looks like he nicks all of his clothes from little toy train drivers.
Russel
I’ll be sporting the finest in removable gold teeth. There’s over 5 000 styles available from 14 to 22kt and even platinum. Check out www.removablecaps.com, don’t go poppin’ this cap in your ass y’all. Peace.
9. Hot new fad.
Murdoc
Women’s wrestling. This is going to be massive this year, not only does it strike a blow for feminism but delivers a nasty rabbit punch to the back of their opponents head. It’s mens wrestling with out the rules, they use TLC, tables, ladders and chairs. Let’s face it takes a woman to bring fighting back to what it’s all about; two sexy ladies actually beating the living crap out of each other, and that sisters is equality. The only thing that this has in common with Big Shirley Daddy is the big arse revealing leotard but the balls are taped up better. Apparently one of these girls said that "When you go in the ring, you feel like a pop star." Funny thing is, when I hit the stage I always feel like a female wrestler.
2D
That is funny ‘coz I’ve always loved wrestling girls.
10. Stuff from the future.
Noodle (Translated from Japanese by her interpreter Alan)
Gadgets. As always there’s gonna be a whole load of fantastic new useful gadgets out for the future. Essentials are;
1. Self cleaning shoes
2. Trousers with voice mail. Pick up messages anywhere!
3. Pay as you go authentic accents. Makes you sound real in almost any country.
4. Spiritual cleansers, available in token form at the car wash.
5. Life in a can. You open it up, it collects and sends your e-mail, Mp4’s, picks up shopping list via Amazon, has a little DVD player showing clips from your childhood (including 8 optional out comes) all via ADSL lines so high width that it sends what you are thinking and it’s got a carry case. You can also download someone else’s experiences if yours are all…
Alan
Shit?
Looking to have a flutter on a guarantied, sure fire musician fatality this summer? Well here’s our tip for an odds on favourite. Marco Pirioni is literally going to "blow up this year" and that’s not some Hip-Hop euphemism about an eighties revival inspired chart come back either. We predict that Adam Ants stately, Brandoesque, dandy pirate clad, guitar guru will be adding his name to the long list of exploding obese rock luminaries this year. He’ll be finding himself in the company of many of rocks all time great Chubby Checkers. John Bonham, for instance, who ruptured with such force that he redecorated the entire interior of his local pub. Or take Jim Morisson’s own bath tub, gut fest’, detonation which is solely responsible for the all pervading Parisian sewage "stink arse" problem that still exists in the French capitol to this day. Then of course there was the Big Bopper, The Bear, Meat Loaf, Buster Blood Vessel, Elvis, Dane Bowers, Biggy Smalls, Huey "The Fat Lovin’ Criminal" Morgan and Christopher Biggins who all paid rocks ultimate excessive price to the pied up piper. So get down the bookies and stick a fiver on this one and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.
2. Hip Hop calibrations goes weird.
As Goldie takes his place amongst the cast of East Enders we will see more and more mic controllers displaying their gallant talents on the small screen. Children’s TV will be a wash with original gangsters starting with Big Pun presenting "You’re a God-Damn Cracker, Jack." Lil’ Kim will be replacing Konnie Huq on Blue Peter and promises to show us all what to do with sticky back plastic and a roll of card board tubing. Autumn will see Emmerdale announcing that Pato Banton will be taking over as landlord of the Wool Pack but it is unconfirmed whether Hype Williams will be taking up the offer to direct the show. This will all culminate with the return of East Enders old favourite Tony Carpenter with the opening line "If I knew it was going to be one of those parties I’d have stuck my dick in the potato salad, man." Whether this will lead to Sophie "The Spiller" Ellis Bexter taking up her mothers former mantle and showing us all what she can do with ping pong balls, we can only wait and see.
3. Reality TV on a HIP Hop tip
Taking a top tip from the same Hip-Hop gash, as it were, is the next logical step for television as reality TV sho’ nuff keeps it real. This summers next big, can’t miss TV sensation will feature gang bangers placed in Staten Island with the area then surrounded by the National Guard. Destiny’s Child will supply the theme tune with a pumped up cut of Survivors "Eye of the Tiger" as the East and West sides go mano a mano and toe to toe on prime time. The show will feature such gruelling tasks as; Ride the Pu-Nani, Beat da phuck down and Big dawgs do big things. With the bonus points to be had in the "Cash, money or hoes" round. First to be voted off the island will end up in the gravel pit, with jailer Ol’ Dirty Bastard. The show will be compared by Mum’s and Dad’s favourite Jay-Z. In the promotional reel we were shown he explained the rules while flagrantly promoting Memphis Bleeks album "The Understanding" saying "You think niggas was shooting ya fat ass out of cannons before? I’m that nigga. Niggas is pompous, first thinking they Evel Knievel jumpers." Fans, we’re assured, can expect nothing but that gangster shit. It’s a mother fucking Knockout.
4. Murdoc’s word to the wise.
Listen, no one looks up to a man whose down. I know it’s cool to be depressed and all that but please don’t share it with the rest of the class. Bottle it up. There’s no point walking around with a face like a smacked arse. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you’re on your own, you miserable little bugger. Some people look at the glass and see it’s half-empty. Some see it half full. Me… it’s not even my glass, I don’t think but fill it up anyway. So even if you’re a sensitive little tosser, make out you’re happy cos no one gives a shit. I mean we just seem to have a glut of these moody and aloof singers who think it’s deep to be shit at dancing. I think we should get Thom and Tim Booth into a room and see who can twitch like the bigger moron and lets all have a damn good laugh.
5. Comedians aren’t funny.
Murdoc
If you see two men carrying a plank and one of them’s Bernard Breslaw, then steer clear. Don’t get involved. I guarantee it’s a waste of time.
2D
Yeah and if Winsor Davies comes up to you in the street and starts shouting at you, you don’t have to do anything he say’s ‘cos he’s not actually a real Sgt. Major
Murdoc
Stupid boy. American comedians, now you’re talking. Steve Guttenberg makes Don Simpson look like Andy Peters.
Russel
Likewise, if you see Barrymore… just run man, get the hell out of there. "People do the funniest things" damn "My kind of people," yeah, I don’t think so brother.
6. Cooking tips
Murdoc
Firstly, I just want to say, never get your cock out anywhere near the stove. I think the next celebrity chef will be incapable of anything except remembering recipes. The future of cooking depends on finding somebody with a tongue too big for their mouth but cheeky with it, somebody who relies on ethnic stereo types, uttering the lowest common denominator in some thick, unintelligible dialect…. Pukka.
2D
What d’you think Beanie Man’s cooking? I mean, first of all he’s called "Beanie man" next he add’s "Dem girls, Dem sugar" and then he says we have to "Zim simmer" What’s that all going to taste like?
Murdoc
Girl soup? I hope it ain’t that Geri Halliwell ‘cos she’s foul. As for cooking, I’m more of a cocktail man myself.
Recipe for a Zombie:
Cracked Ice
1 msr dark rum,
1 msr Jamaican rum,
1 msr light rum
1 msr lemon or lime juice
4 dashes passion fruit or orange juice
4 dashes of apricot brandy
4 dashes of cherry brandy
Load of fruit.
Half fill bucket/glass with cracked ice. Fill rest of bucket/glass with booze and blend. Serve with "loads of fruit."
This leads us to our next tip
7. Hangover tips.
If you wake up and feel like someone’s been sick in your ear, here are some handy cures.
Murdoc
The one I usually swear by is an old Voodoo remedy. The Haitians recommend sticking 13 pins into the cork of the offending bottle. Difficult with twist tops or alcopops but, you know, I wouldn’t know, hangovers only really come on when you stop and I recommend not stopping. Best remedy.
2D
The old cowboy cure was a stiff cup of rabbit-pooh tea, but my breath usually smells too good to risk that.
8. Fashion Tips.
Murdoc
The most popular look around town will be huge fat blokes dressed up like their like thirteen year old illegitimate sons, with big red faces, sporting cut off cargo pants with lobster red knees, huffing and puffing, having to stop every five minutes to catch their breaths and mop their brow…people clutching their chests a lot…bunch of media, flip flop, coke, shouting, shag wits. Place to be seen "The Soho Place" short film and promo commercial summer gala. Most fashionable way to die, choking to death on your own canapé vomit, or somebody else’s.
2D
No, I reckon it’s gonna be big curly perms for men, wearing life jackets and roller-skates, trousers with the arse cut out and balls to the side…just like what Steve Craddock wears only bigger, ‘coz he looks like he nicks all of his clothes from little toy train drivers.
Russel
I’ll be sporting the finest in removable gold teeth. There’s over 5 000 styles available from 14 to 22kt and even platinum. Check out www.removablecaps.com, don’t go poppin’ this cap in your ass y’all. Peace.
9. Hot new fad.
Murdoc
Women’s wrestling. This is going to be massive this year, not only does it strike a blow for feminism but delivers a nasty rabbit punch to the back of their opponents head. It’s mens wrestling with out the rules, they use TLC, tables, ladders and chairs. Let’s face it takes a woman to bring fighting back to what it’s all about; two sexy ladies actually beating the living crap out of each other, and that sisters is equality. The only thing that this has in common with Big Shirley Daddy is the big arse revealing leotard but the balls are taped up better. Apparently one of these girls said that "When you go in the ring, you feel like a pop star." Funny thing is, when I hit the stage I always feel like a female wrestler.
2D
That is funny ‘coz I’ve always loved wrestling girls.
10. Stuff from the future.
Noodle (Translated from Japanese by her interpreter Alan)
Gadgets. As always there’s gonna be a whole load of fantastic new useful gadgets out for the future. Essentials are;
1. Self cleaning shoes
2. Trousers with voice mail. Pick up messages anywhere!
3. Pay as you go authentic accents. Makes you sound real in almost any country.
4. Spiritual cleansers, available in token form at the car wash.
5. Life in a can. You open it up, it collects and sends your e-mail, Mp4’s, picks up shopping list via Amazon, has a little DVD player showing clips from your childhood (including 8 optional out comes) all via ADSL lines so high width that it sends what you are thinking and it’s got a carry case. You can also download someone else’s experiences if yours are all…
Alan
Shit?