Gorillaz Take Over Bizarre
The Sun, March 2010
SO, Plastic Beach is where I recorded our new Gorillaz album, out today. There was no one here at first but I had our singer 2D shipped over, and I built a cyborg version of Noodle, our guitarist, out of her old DNA. Russel, our big, bad drummer, is headed here too. In the meantime, while Gordon Smart's away looking after my... er... ”his” new baby, it's been left to me, Murdoc Niccals, to run the proceedings on today's Bizzare. I've got a whole bunch of news, lies, and gossip for you. Some of it's true and some of it I made up to fill up the column inches. Can you spot the difference?
WHO DUNNIT?
MURDOC: When people ask me who's my favourite, THE BEATLES or the STONES, my answer has always been the same: THE WHO! What's not to love? Four young pill-popping mods smashing out three-minute classics, narrative-driven rock operas, all-star cast films and searches for spiritual enlightenment, all while destroying every piece of equipment, hotel or swimming pool in sight... I found this picture in my shoe the other day which proves the Niccals bloodline has played a part in the more destructive moments of history. Pictured here is my uncle Marvin Niccals, helping detonate the triple-dose of explosives placed in legendary drummer KEITH MOON's bass drum live on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour TV show, back in 1967, KA-POW! Unfortunately, This incident was rumoured to have caused PETE TOWNSHEND's notorious tetanus - a constant painful ringing in the ears. A bit like an N-DUBZ record that you can't turn off. Still, a great piece of footage from one of the best bands to stalk the earth.
biZ
According to my, er, sauces, Keith Richards has insisted ”rumours of my sobriety are greatly exaggerated” . Phew! I tought as much. He sounded a bit pissed to me when he claimed he'd been on the wagon for four months. I raise my glass to you, Sir!
biZ
Damon Albarn's worked under many aliases but this latest one is a corker. Rumours say his first full-length solo effort will be under his new guise of end-of-the-pier sideshow freak Prince Barry. Strange idea, but I'm sure the music will be fab!
THE OSCAZ
I JUST couldn't be doing with the Oscars this year, and with everyone else covering it I set up my own award ceremony. THE MURDOCS, right around the corner from the main venue, in an old Chinese flophouse.I'm auditioning new actors and actresses, and the best ones will go on to feature in my new film Whoops! I've Just Skidded Into Your Cakehole, it's like TOM HANK's Big meets RAY WINSTONE's Nil By Mouth. On ice. So, y'know, good luck to Avatar and everyone in it. But I've turned blue a number of times - usually in people's bathrooms - and I've never won an Oscar for it. With that in mind, here's a bunch of films - some of my favourites - from yesteryear that I'd like to give a shiny Murdoc to.
1. The Exorcist (1973): A young girl possessed by a demonic entity undergoes an exorcism performed by two priests. Hilarity ensues.
2. Love Exposure (2008): Four-hour Japanese masterpiece Love Exposure covers love, family, lust, religion and the art of upskirt photography.
3. Das Boot (1981): Showing the excitement, tedium, claustrophobia and humanity of a German U-Boat crew stuck on a sub during World War Two. A bit like being on tour then. Or like Inglourious Basterds meets Big Brother.
4. Koyaanisqatsi (1982): Time-lapse photography footage of nature and the interaction of modern man, with the world evolving into a new type of modern-nature, set to music by Philip Glass. Featuring Chevy Chase.
5. The Shining (1980): Stanley Kubrick-directed horror featuring Jack Nicholson as a downtrodden family man trying desperately to finish his play.
biZ
Check my Gorillaz A-Z playlist on Radio 1 tonight at 9pm. I'll be taking listeners through everything from Dr. Alimantado to Zapp, including Berlioz, Piaf, X-Ray Spex, and Sakamoto. It's everything that goes into making that unique and wonky Gorillaz sound.
biZ
I'm ready to launch my own moronic TV talent show, Britain's Got Talons, any day now. It's a pointless search to find Britain's strongest bird. Each week, we'll be pitting kestrels against ravens, eagles against magpies and watching them fight it out to the death on live television!
I'LL HAVE TO CRASH RUSS N' KATY BASH
I've been watching my post box on Plastic Beach for months now, and every morning is the same. Zilch. Nothing. When I found out that my saucy old ex Katy Perry and my young dandy nephew Russell Brand were getting hitched, I thought the preformal invite would be fluttering its way over imminently. But no such luck. What's the matter, Russ? Can't handle the competition? You worried she's going to leave you at the altar for an older man with a longer cape? Chicken. I was looking forward to some of the bridesmades too, but with no invite it just means I'll have to crash the event. Which I'm happy to do but it's a bit tacky. After all, I am family. Y'know, I can only imagine what the ceremony is going to be like, at a wedding like that. I did enquire and it was revealed by a source close to the couple that I could "go fuck" myself. Anyway, from what I've heard, it's going to be an exercise in Bacchanalian excess and unbridled debauchery. Midget wrestlers, tigers on roller-skates, oiled handmaidens with jugs of fine wine, all flowing like the Niagara Falls. Marquis de Sade-style indulgences and footmen in cravats and big silver buckles swanning around reading passages of 19th Century poetry from the likes of Rimbaud, Baudelaire and Bo Diddley, while tearing the pages out and tossing them in the air as they burst into pretty flames. Like a kind of Hellfire Club with confetti and doilies. It all sounds right up my strasse. In fact I'm surprised I haven't been asked to be the best man! You could've even asked my Gorillaz band to play... weddings, bar mitzvahs, headlining Coachella festivals... we play all sorts. You know that. So while I was happy to generously hand over my title of Shagger Of The Year to Russ, him and Katy can't even stick a card in the post. Russell, "you're hot, then you're cold", What's going on? I remember when me and you used to haunt the dirty rain-filled streets of Camden together looking for crumpet! Now you've bagged yourself a geniune A-list hottie, you've given me the cold shoulder. Showbiz pals, eh, folks? Who needs them? But I'm sure the invite will be here any day now. Better be. Anyway... (end on a pun... end on a pun), er... I hope you two will be "Perry" happy together "Brand" all the very best for the future. Maybe we'll be hearing the "Russell" of tiny feet some time soon. Did that work? Not really, but when has that mattered? ...Mmmmnnn... Need more rum...
biZ
I'm thinking of arranging a three-in-the-bed peace conference between celebrity bag lady Courtney Love and Asbo-based singer Lily Allen. What d'you reckon, folks? Am I mental or has someone just put something in my drink?
biZ
Happy birthday to Elly Jackson, Tlalin-type coutured singer of La Roux! I'm happy to say I scooped up a fair bit of inspiration from La Roux when I decided to go a bit "electro-pop" in places on Plastic Beach. So, many happy returns of the day, then, Ms Jackson!
SURELY NOT
AHH! Look, it's an ickie baby! Late congratulations to Bizzare's regular host Gordon on his eight-pound new arrival. Listen, though, mate - next time round I can probably get you one for around six, if you're interested... you could save yourself a couple of quid. Hey, wait a sec, that baby looks awfully familiar. Did me and your wife... y'know... er...? Surely not.
MONSTER TRACKZ
2D: This one's going to be a Monster! So, right, this week, Gorillaz and Boyzone are both releasing new records. It's like Gorillaz and Boyzone in a Monster Truck Rally right up the charts? Sounds well crucial. I used to knock about with Shane Lynch years ago, back when we both worked on the funfair rides down at my dad's fairground in Eastbourne. He was on the Waltzer. He's great. Really big. He taught me loads about monster trucks too. He even let me drive his Big Foot. He built that truck out of jumbo jets and plant machinery. But we're still going to give them a run for their money. Shane may be over 7ft tall but, you see, we've got Mos Def and Bobby Womack on our team, and you've only got, well... Boyzone... or summink.
Murdoc: Thank you, 2D, for that insightful piece of rubbish. Moving swiftly on...
WHO DUNNIT?
MURDOC: When people ask me who's my favourite, THE BEATLES or the STONES, my answer has always been the same: THE WHO! What's not to love? Four young pill-popping mods smashing out three-minute classics, narrative-driven rock operas, all-star cast films and searches for spiritual enlightenment, all while destroying every piece of equipment, hotel or swimming pool in sight... I found this picture in my shoe the other day which proves the Niccals bloodline has played a part in the more destructive moments of history. Pictured here is my uncle Marvin Niccals, helping detonate the triple-dose of explosives placed in legendary drummer KEITH MOON's bass drum live on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour TV show, back in 1967, KA-POW! Unfortunately, This incident was rumoured to have caused PETE TOWNSHEND's notorious tetanus - a constant painful ringing in the ears. A bit like an N-DUBZ record that you can't turn off. Still, a great piece of footage from one of the best bands to stalk the earth.
biZ
According to my, er, sauces, Keith Richards has insisted ”rumours of my sobriety are greatly exaggerated” . Phew! I tought as much. He sounded a bit pissed to me when he claimed he'd been on the wagon for four months. I raise my glass to you, Sir!
biZ
Damon Albarn's worked under many aliases but this latest one is a corker. Rumours say his first full-length solo effort will be under his new guise of end-of-the-pier sideshow freak Prince Barry. Strange idea, but I'm sure the music will be fab!
THE OSCAZ
I JUST couldn't be doing with the Oscars this year, and with everyone else covering it I set up my own award ceremony. THE MURDOCS, right around the corner from the main venue, in an old Chinese flophouse.I'm auditioning new actors and actresses, and the best ones will go on to feature in my new film Whoops! I've Just Skidded Into Your Cakehole, it's like TOM HANK's Big meets RAY WINSTONE's Nil By Mouth. On ice. So, y'know, good luck to Avatar and everyone in it. But I've turned blue a number of times - usually in people's bathrooms - and I've never won an Oscar for it. With that in mind, here's a bunch of films - some of my favourites - from yesteryear that I'd like to give a shiny Murdoc to.
1. The Exorcist (1973): A young girl possessed by a demonic entity undergoes an exorcism performed by two priests. Hilarity ensues.
2. Love Exposure (2008): Four-hour Japanese masterpiece Love Exposure covers love, family, lust, religion and the art of upskirt photography.
3. Das Boot (1981): Showing the excitement, tedium, claustrophobia and humanity of a German U-Boat crew stuck on a sub during World War Two. A bit like being on tour then. Or like Inglourious Basterds meets Big Brother.
4. Koyaanisqatsi (1982): Time-lapse photography footage of nature and the interaction of modern man, with the world evolving into a new type of modern-nature, set to music by Philip Glass. Featuring Chevy Chase.
5. The Shining (1980): Stanley Kubrick-directed horror featuring Jack Nicholson as a downtrodden family man trying desperately to finish his play.
biZ
Check my Gorillaz A-Z playlist on Radio 1 tonight at 9pm. I'll be taking listeners through everything from Dr. Alimantado to Zapp, including Berlioz, Piaf, X-Ray Spex, and Sakamoto. It's everything that goes into making that unique and wonky Gorillaz sound.
biZ
I'm ready to launch my own moronic TV talent show, Britain's Got Talons, any day now. It's a pointless search to find Britain's strongest bird. Each week, we'll be pitting kestrels against ravens, eagles against magpies and watching them fight it out to the death on live television!
I'LL HAVE TO CRASH RUSS N' KATY BASH
I've been watching my post box on Plastic Beach for months now, and every morning is the same. Zilch. Nothing. When I found out that my saucy old ex Katy Perry and my young dandy nephew Russell Brand were getting hitched, I thought the preformal invite would be fluttering its way over imminently. But no such luck. What's the matter, Russ? Can't handle the competition? You worried she's going to leave you at the altar for an older man with a longer cape? Chicken. I was looking forward to some of the bridesmades too, but with no invite it just means I'll have to crash the event. Which I'm happy to do but it's a bit tacky. After all, I am family. Y'know, I can only imagine what the ceremony is going to be like, at a wedding like that. I did enquire and it was revealed by a source close to the couple that I could "go fuck" myself. Anyway, from what I've heard, it's going to be an exercise in Bacchanalian excess and unbridled debauchery. Midget wrestlers, tigers on roller-skates, oiled handmaidens with jugs of fine wine, all flowing like the Niagara Falls. Marquis de Sade-style indulgences and footmen in cravats and big silver buckles swanning around reading passages of 19th Century poetry from the likes of Rimbaud, Baudelaire and Bo Diddley, while tearing the pages out and tossing them in the air as they burst into pretty flames. Like a kind of Hellfire Club with confetti and doilies. It all sounds right up my strasse. In fact I'm surprised I haven't been asked to be the best man! You could've even asked my Gorillaz band to play... weddings, bar mitzvahs, headlining Coachella festivals... we play all sorts. You know that. So while I was happy to generously hand over my title of Shagger Of The Year to Russ, him and Katy can't even stick a card in the post. Russell, "you're hot, then you're cold", What's going on? I remember when me and you used to haunt the dirty rain-filled streets of Camden together looking for crumpet! Now you've bagged yourself a geniune A-list hottie, you've given me the cold shoulder. Showbiz pals, eh, folks? Who needs them? But I'm sure the invite will be here any day now. Better be. Anyway... (end on a pun... end on a pun), er... I hope you two will be "Perry" happy together "Brand" all the very best for the future. Maybe we'll be hearing the "Russell" of tiny feet some time soon. Did that work? Not really, but when has that mattered? ...Mmmmnnn... Need more rum...
biZ
I'm thinking of arranging a three-in-the-bed peace conference between celebrity bag lady Courtney Love and Asbo-based singer Lily Allen. What d'you reckon, folks? Am I mental or has someone just put something in my drink?
biZ
Happy birthday to Elly Jackson, Tlalin-type coutured singer of La Roux! I'm happy to say I scooped up a fair bit of inspiration from La Roux when I decided to go a bit "electro-pop" in places on Plastic Beach. So, many happy returns of the day, then, Ms Jackson!
SURELY NOT
AHH! Look, it's an ickie baby! Late congratulations to Bizzare's regular host Gordon on his eight-pound new arrival. Listen, though, mate - next time round I can probably get you one for around six, if you're interested... you could save yourself a couple of quid. Hey, wait a sec, that baby looks awfully familiar. Did me and your wife... y'know... er...? Surely not.
MONSTER TRACKZ
2D: This one's going to be a Monster! So, right, this week, Gorillaz and Boyzone are both releasing new records. It's like Gorillaz and Boyzone in a Monster Truck Rally right up the charts? Sounds well crucial. I used to knock about with Shane Lynch years ago, back when we both worked on the funfair rides down at my dad's fairground in Eastbourne. He was on the Waltzer. He's great. Really big. He taught me loads about monster trucks too. He even let me drive his Big Foot. He built that truck out of jumbo jets and plant machinery. But we're still going to give them a run for their money. Shane may be over 7ft tall but, you see, we've got Mos Def and Bobby Womack on our team, and you've only got, well... Boyzone... or summink.
Murdoc: Thank you, 2D, for that insightful piece of rubbish. Moving swiftly on...