10 Commandments
Q, April 2005
Ten Commandments: The gospel according to... Gorillaz hellraiser Murdoc
1. Keep your feet on the ground
Only joking. The whole reason I got into this music game in the first place is to abuse my position at every opportunity. This is actually what people want, deep down. Some stupid little after-dinner anecdote about how that "beastly Murdoc from that dreadful Gorillaz band pushed my stupid ugly face into a big cake".
2. Flattery will get you everywhere...
... however buggery will get you just a little bit further. A little extra force in the pivotal areas never really hurt. Demand the impossible. In an unintelligible language. Complain bitterly if things aren't immediately forthcoming. This works particularly well in hotels.
3. Fear is the tool of the bastards
One of Lemmy's favourite quotes is, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." Well, that and a 200-fot dinosaur peering through your window. The constant "threat" of terrorists, shoe-bombers or some hypothetical ricin "bean" attack on the Underground goes nothing for the state of mind of a nation. This is just a device to keep the masses under control and for people to sell newspapers, flu-jabs, lucky heather and "special vitamins".
4. Don't drink fire
I love a good entrance but if a drink arrives in flames don't be fooled. Fire is nature's way of telling you not to drink it. I firmly place sambuca in this category. Too many times I've fallen asleep in a bar and woken up in a burns unit.
5. Never stiff a whore in Mexico
If I had only had the foresight to adhere to this basic guideline before passing off counterfeit cheques to the good, hard-working girls of Tijuana, I could have saved myself 18 months' hard labour. That and the horrific beating I received.
6. Wear a rubber
"Do I look like I've got a sexually transmitted disease?" Whoa! This is what the phrase "rhetorical question" was invented for. If a girl says this, run. Serious, sheath it or 18 years down the line some ugly little Spanish kid is gonna come knocking on your door, doing a really bad impression of your face.
7. Don't screw people on the way up...
...you'll meet them on the way down. Again, not true. on the way down these people will desert you like rats leaving a sinking ship, whatever happens. Get them on the way up. Then make sure you don't come down.
8. Watch your diet
Wrong. If you're reaing the insane, paranoid diet tips of some overweight housewife then a chubby chin is the least of your worries. And another thing, when Murdoc: The Fat Years do come, I'm gonna lap it up. Elvis is gonna look like a health freak compared to what I intend to turn into.
9. Nature loves a vacuum
The best thing about being a celebrity is that you can bore the crap out of people and they'll think it's their fault. I can sit there without a single thought in my head, and people find the silence so awkward they'll prattle on into the ether. Before Gorillaz took off I couldn't get anyone to talk to me. Now I can't get them to shut up.
10. Never trust a song-and-dance man
Ladies, they'll steal your heart and leave you with egg on your face. My tips on picking up women? Er.. wash your balls, change your name, believ your own press. Especially if you're writing it.
1. Keep your feet on the ground
Only joking. The whole reason I got into this music game in the first place is to abuse my position at every opportunity. This is actually what people want, deep down. Some stupid little after-dinner anecdote about how that "beastly Murdoc from that dreadful Gorillaz band pushed my stupid ugly face into a big cake".
2. Flattery will get you everywhere...
... however buggery will get you just a little bit further. A little extra force in the pivotal areas never really hurt. Demand the impossible. In an unintelligible language. Complain bitterly if things aren't immediately forthcoming. This works particularly well in hotels.
3. Fear is the tool of the bastards
One of Lemmy's favourite quotes is, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." Well, that and a 200-fot dinosaur peering through your window. The constant "threat" of terrorists, shoe-bombers or some hypothetical ricin "bean" attack on the Underground goes nothing for the state of mind of a nation. This is just a device to keep the masses under control and for people to sell newspapers, flu-jabs, lucky heather and "special vitamins".
4. Don't drink fire
I love a good entrance but if a drink arrives in flames don't be fooled. Fire is nature's way of telling you not to drink it. I firmly place sambuca in this category. Too many times I've fallen asleep in a bar and woken up in a burns unit.
5. Never stiff a whore in Mexico
If I had only had the foresight to adhere to this basic guideline before passing off counterfeit cheques to the good, hard-working girls of Tijuana, I could have saved myself 18 months' hard labour. That and the horrific beating I received.
6. Wear a rubber
"Do I look like I've got a sexually transmitted disease?" Whoa! This is what the phrase "rhetorical question" was invented for. If a girl says this, run. Serious, sheath it or 18 years down the line some ugly little Spanish kid is gonna come knocking on your door, doing a really bad impression of your face.
7. Don't screw people on the way up...
...you'll meet them on the way down. Again, not true. on the way down these people will desert you like rats leaving a sinking ship, whatever happens. Get them on the way up. Then make sure you don't come down.
8. Watch your diet
Wrong. If you're reaing the insane, paranoid diet tips of some overweight housewife then a chubby chin is the least of your worries. And another thing, when Murdoc: The Fat Years do come, I'm gonna lap it up. Elvis is gonna look like a health freak compared to what I intend to turn into.
9. Nature loves a vacuum
The best thing about being a celebrity is that you can bore the crap out of people and they'll think it's their fault. I can sit there without a single thought in my head, and people find the silence so awkward they'll prattle on into the ether. Before Gorillaz took off I couldn't get anyone to talk to me. Now I can't get them to shut up.
10. Never trust a song-and-dance man
Ladies, they'll steal your heart and leave you with egg on your face. My tips on picking up women? Er.. wash your balls, change your name, believ your own press. Especially if you're writing it.